How to Talk To a Lady
These are actual answers on my OKCupid dating profile intertwined with text messages from my two ex-wives. Frustrated at the feminine cynicism within the women before and behind, I started to get real. Then I started to finally get laid. An ongoing and very true story.
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Statistics now show that the ladies love statistics so I thought about putting that up on my profile. Doesn’t seem to be favorable data for my cause but ponder it this way: What if the sex is really that good? You could check that out! No one ever went crazy after a couple of dates, well not permanently at least. It would be worth it, let me tell you.
Got some new stats for you though, my lifetime averages been changing dramatically lately. My conversion average has never been better though I could use a little bump in slugging percentage, if you know what I mean (nobody knows what that means). So lets get started with the breaking news:
100% of the people that have married me are legitimately insane.
BAM! Wow. A perfect score.
I wanted to say certified, but #2 ain’t quite at the bottom yet. Making steady progress, has more
enablersthan ever and they have me fully boxed out. Oops, I meant friends there. She has a lot of nice friends.Now while it is true that neither wife had ANY sign or symptom of any illness or trouble before they met me, I am almost sure I was not the reason or cause of said insanity.
You could also say: 100% of the women that divorced me went insane. But clearly the wanting to leave me in the first place in a sign of a preexisting condition.
I have stats:
50% of the judges in 100% of the divorce cases deemed my 33.33% free of blame and free these crazy bitches.
Nope, this is not sounding better….
Oh, how about this one:
100% of the women who have ever actually loved me are all named after the biggest 80’s Prince hit that few still know wasn’t actually a Prince song.
Seriously, what the fuck is up with my life? Hell hath NO FURY like crazy bitches.
I know why. Stay tuned for revelations.
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Gonna have to reinvent the texts-with-exes portion of the site. Their texts are NOT funny anymore, not funny at all.
Worry not, I live like today is my last day on earth… and I am on fire… and PCP.
New ideas come all the time, as do the new ladies.
IN OTHER NEWS
Career Stat Update: 100% of the people that have married me have gone insane.
more on career stats coming soon…
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When you connect with me in Social Media saying we “worked together” someplace that I didn’t spend more time with you than I did my own family, I take your lead and do my part to spin the yarn. Here’s my latest to some dear friends and awesome-to-the-core badasses. You should see the ones to people I don’t love like hell.
Ladies and Gentlemen, from an excerpt of his unpublished semi-true memoirs, may I introduce to you, in his own words, Mr. Max Dylan Spiegel.
Since gaining fame as The Dr. EveryThing’llBeAlright when he was mentioned in the greatest dance song ever, Let’s Go Crazy by Your Purple Highness The One and Only Prince, Max sequestered himself on a remote Mexican island with nothing more than a bassoon and a broadband internet connection until, as he says in his semi-true memoirs, was “able to return to civilization and provide the philosophical proof that life is but a dream” so everyone could “just chill”.
Following 7 years on the island the bassoon still confounds him.
He describes his adventure by saying that he found the task already complete within the lyrics of Row Row Row Your Boat in year 2 and “just kinda hung out for a while”.
These days he’s teaching and creating buzzwords and buzzword usage best practices for $1000 a day to trendy hipster social media “jams” and “gurus” and optimism-to-the-degree-it-could-be-classified-as-a-mental-disorder to the actual-cool and talented in return for a simple meal.
The Firebrand Tribe said he could hang out one day, just to be polite, and he’s been there ever since. He literally won’t leave. Team moral, productivity and “groovaliciousness” has never been higher.
With the addition of Dance Party Tuesdays and his Couch for Every Employee Initiative to the American corporate culture. labor laws and norms, he won The Nobel Peace Prize in 2010. He did not leave Firebrand HQ to attend the ceremonies but did pants-less Skype with some lady in Norway that day which he accepts graciously as the true and fitting reward of his life’s labors.
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Just a few hours left in this year. As it stands, last night’s exchange with “sassy lady of color who is intolerant to gays” is our last classy correspondence of 2011.
This post was going to just be about my awesome repartee, I amuse myself to no end with behavior like this (audacity as an art form), but upon review of Ms. Mamba Jamba has left me thinking…
How a struggling minority, who faces ignorance and hate on a daily basis for “the way they were born”, can be intolerant to any other people born any which way is beyond me. I’d probe this if I thought there was any substance to it. Probably just some preacher told her that the bible commands her to believe only in a form of relationship with a 60% or greater fail rate, you know, the one true path. -
This was the gentle one of the two replies. I don’t think I can print the other one. I may have gone a bit too far.
This one though is referencing tomorrow night, so maybe I should pop down and see if she shows up. I lied though, they don’t serve nachos. I actually got the idea for the ankle bracelet at this joint, one of the gals dances with only that on. It ws kind of hot to be honest.
Rich life this is, colorful times.
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Unlike the previous gem, Miss 22 Female Bisexual here chooses the very last paragraph of her excruciatingly long profile peppered with sexual innuendos that I am pretty sure an indication that sex on the first date was definitely on table.
I sent her a nice note expressing how she made me feel.
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This. This is what the online dating experience is like for men. Without requesting it, we’re shown Miss 21 Bisexual Female with a sexually provocative screen name in her underpants who yells at us for telling her she’s attractive. Granted this is the far end of the scale, but polling my male friends on OKCupid, all agree each of our encounters is somewhere on that scale. I’m a bad mother fucker, and this sort of behavior fed my own meltdown that is what created this blog. Now I just use it as an excuse to revel in some good misogynistic humor, but I can only imagine what this does to the psyche of a sensitive young man who may not be so sure on his feet at 19 or 20 years old is going to feel. He’s probably a good kid who loves his mama. Couple more ladies like this and his compassion will turn to a fetish for angry sex and disrespect for women. Ladies, you police your sluts and bitches and we’ll police our players and pervs. Deal?
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A strong close. A quick jab behind a monkey reference. Has them playful and disoriented (just how I like my ladies). Talked her out of her one condition btw. :)
