How to Talk To a Lady

Either you repeat the same conventional doctrines everybody is saying, or else you say something true, and it will sound like it’s from Neptune. -Noam Chomsky

It takes all my courage on my best day to not listen to them when they tell me to get in line. My mother says when I get in trouble, when I’ve upset another applecart, that it means I’m on to something good. That’s kickass.

I am not often accused of being subtle. I am, however, as honest as a character flaw. I’m an alter ego profile of another justOKCupid SWM, who noticed (or admittedly perhaps imagined) that if casual sex were AMONG the things I might enjoy finding here, my otherwise gentlemanly profile was suddenly Mr. Perv E. McPerverton. Being that tragically sincere individual that I profess to be, I am troubled by my removal of said blemish, albeit enjoying the resulting peace of mind and consideration.

There is a place. Like no place on Earth. A land full of wonder, mystery, and danger! Some say to survive it: You need to be as mad as a hatter.

Sure, I am a peculiar fellow. This absurd method of resolving this dilemma a fine example. I know it’s not OKCupid’s fault, or your fault. It’s my issue, I accept, unbegrudged, absolute culpability in this life and this world (learned the hard way to be sure).

Look, I know there’s a lot of creeps on the internet, I do. But a guy like me — kind, polite, charming, honest, expressive, romantic, maybe a little old-fashioned, and always a gentleman — are still around. (I’m the guy that doesn’t look at your pictures until I’ve read your profile.) The cynicism that is dripping from a-whole-hell-of-lot of lady profiles here is downright unpleasant, depressing, demoralizing and it really truly does break my fucking heart. You might as well just start your profile in all caps: I’M NOT OVER THE LAST GUY(s). Ever wonder why you can’t find a good guy? We notice, we hide.

Behind every beautiful girl there’s a dumbass guy who did her wrong and made her strong. ~Unknown

I know it’s just a free dating web site but WE generate the content, yes, we can expect more from it. Its not insignificant, this is a small town therefore a small dating pool, things make if off this island and we will run into each other out there.

The stats now show women have caught up to men with the cheating, so lets just call it a tie in the awful-things-we used-to-do-to-each-other contest and start believing that maybe there are still some good people (weak flesh notwithstanding) and throw out some free benefit-of-the-doubts during this online dating process.

Good guys get caught in the fray. Treated just the same as all the other players and creepers, and everyone assuming we got the memo that monogamy is no longer in the relationship contract. This isn’t a spoken transaction, mind you, so no one ever knows what the hell is really going on. Some don’t want to know, for me at least it cut into my self-worth a hellofalot deeper than my feelings for the cheater. Heaven forbid a man and woman would throw this up on a table and openly, honestly, bravely discuss it. And what is truth and who has the courage…

It spirals, you see, to a full blown absence of trust and hope. Cynical, jaded, callused and indifferent… these are the ladies in my quiver today. Oh joy.

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love IS everything it’s cracked up to be. That’s why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more. ~Erica Jong

Now the other side of the coin (of me being such a good man).

I’m single. Single a while, long enough to be over the last relationship so I’m not to bring any pain, resentment, regret or uncertainty with me onto this dating site.

And I’m just an animal.

I’m just a man.

And you are so pretty.

And I’m frisky.

-wait for it-

I want to bang you.

Craving intimacy does not make one a bad person nor give them ill intent. Applying the don’t-go-to-the-grocery-store-hungry principle should ban all of us from this site now and again but its probably the reason we ever update our profiles. We’re just sexy animals feeling desires and urges that Mother Nature herself gave us eons ago. Who are we to temper her grand plan? She doesn’t make mistakes and she’s hurt that some folks are ashamed-of or offended-by the gifts she gave us for our birthday.

And by the way, a charming man does not a player make. A lady can’t even accept compliments these days. It is possible that you ARE beautiful while ALSO wanting to get in your pants. Take the compliment, and pause for just a moment to

LET
IT
FEEL
GOOD

That’s why we said it, that’s all we want to do and do again. To make you feel good. Now is that so wrong?

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if it’s wide use three fingers, make sure it’s wet and rub up and down. Yep that’s how you wash a cup. ~Unknown

The real truth is, I’d prefer to fall madly in love with you, build a partnership with you, have a bunch of kids and live happily ever after. But I can’t say that either. Can’t want to just bang you or marry you, but can’t be against any of that either. I need to be just right… Goldilocks looking for the right bed indeed.

Free dating sites are designed to keep you here as long as possible because their revenue model is based on eyeballs on ads. Any sophistication in their system lies only there, which is why we’re given black and white choices to very grey questions. I think I saw here “Did you come to this site for sex OR love?” No room for one of my thesis there, just little check boxes that force me to choose only one. How am I answering that? The least bad way? Truth is, I’m probably answering it, and all the others, the way that I think will get you to give me a chance to express myself more maturely than I did in grade school’s “check this box if you like me”. Now, justOKCupid tells me if your checking me out. Hey ladies, howya doing?

“The dating industry is about acquiring traffic as cheaply as possible and wringing as much revenue out of members while moving chess pieces around a board and maximizing shareholder value.” -quote in the press when justOKCupid sold to Match for $50 million

When you fall in love with me, they’ll lose 2 customers. Do they want us to fall in love?

The infrastructure flattens us, makes us all mediocre. Any extreme beliefs, unique character elements, prejudices, even desires are discouraged merely by asking us stupid questions and polarizing the answers. I looked into it, by the way, turns out we’re nearly all here for love and almost none of us sex.

Now I am NOT mediocre (I have a certificate) and I am not interested in a mediocre life and my true love is not a mediocre person. She’s a saucy mamba jamba with a funky beat waving a freak flag and wants to shock me, surprise me, disarm me, challenge me, tell me her deep dark secret, asks me if I want her without using words, sing TO me, dance FOR me, always lets me look at her naked and never doubts me when I tell her that every square inch of that body that society has made her to feel is flawed, is the sweetest perfection my fingertips have ever known.

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams. ~Ashley Smith

But here instead, I present vanilla, more trying NOT to alienate you than intrigue you, till I get to really talk to you (at which time I usually blow it in 8 minutes or less).

So in summary…

I want to fall madly in love with you but am also happy to bang you, climb a mountain with you, or try on your underpants, even if the happily-ever-after thing doesn’t work out.

• What I’m doing with my life:

Childishly waxing in frustration that the universe is not yielding to my desires?

I’m a 40 year old, twice divorced, single father, clearly I have failed so far to found and maintain a forever-after relationship.

I was dealt a rough hand, had some bad luck, and the good luck ran out. I made some bad decisions, made some good decisions, settled for less than I could ultimately stomach, self-medicated, and waded unimaginably deep in the waters of denial. I did the right thing, did the selfish thing, did lots of dumb things, until someone cried out “every man for himself” just in time for everyone to make it out alive.

The gem cannot be polished without friction nor man without trials. —Confucius

So, what I am doing with my life is repairing it, optimizing it, perfecting it. I’m accepting my qualities of is-ness, my talents, my passions, my failures and flaws, reconciling them, correcting them, ejecting them, accentuating them and celebrating them.

No shame. Own that shit, and fight like hell for rich relationships, time well spent and healthy outcomes. I’m a go down swinging kind of guy, and that nutty flavor you’re whiffing is not my flaw, its my character. I’m going to wrap that up in big red bow and offer it up to you.

I learned that we’re all fragile creatures and this absurdly beautiful universe can turn so absurdly cruel in an instant and make all our yesterdays painful to remember, our todays not at all what we asked for, and our tomorrows… unwritten and scary.

Did you survive? Bounce when you hit the bottom? Are you fighting for every tiny moment? Do you still believe in magic even after seeing how harsh the path can be? Do you fight, scratch and claw for what you know you deserve? Will you wager a reliable mediocrity for a shot at true love every stinking time? Is the best of you yet to come?

That is so incredibly hot.

So I don’t know if we’ll be a good match or much anything else about what happens next, don’t expect anything and have no intent. What I do know is that I’m open to anything, that I will always be a gentleman and that we’ll have really hot sex after whichever date you can no longer resist. I know that I’ll tell you exactly how I feel all the time, that I will never make you regret telling me the truth, that I’ll never make you choose between your pride and me, and I know that I’ll be working my ass off for an opportunity at love.

• I’m really good at:

Loving the one I’m with… and raising the fruits of said loving.

• The First thing people usually notice about me:

My lack of filter.

A lifelong incurable condition with no respite.

Sometimes quite flattering (I’ll tell you every time you turn me on), always incriminating (I’ll tell you when your roommate turns me on), and on occasion apparently cruel (You know that lie you tell yourself? Yeah, uhm, I’ll tell you the truth).

• Favorite books movies shows music food

I have kids, a job, a dog, seriously, I don’t read books and I’m tired of feeling bad about that. Plus, I actually do read all your profiles. You know how much time that takes? You ladies can go on about yourselves, damn.

(says the guy with two 10,000 word profiles)

Anything with/by/about Scorsese, Daniel Day Lewis, The Coen Bro’s, time travel, PTA, Wes Anderson, Bill Murray, Jim Jarmusch, Jack White, Cody ChessnuTT, John Paul Jones, or ends in po-boy.

• The 6 things I could never do without

Family (stretching the conditions of unconditional love for over 20 years)

Compassion (“It is possible to travel the whole world in search of one who is more worthy of compassion than oneself. No such person can be found.” ~Dr. EverythingIsGoingToBeAlright aka Buddha)

Intimacy (The Motive)

The love that my children have for me (my life preserver in existential crisis)

Pride (bricks of small successes build my church of bad-mother-fucker aka confidence)

Miracles (St. Jude, the patron saint of lost causes, keeps bailing me out. Or the patron saint of crazy bitches is picking up the tab. He owes me bigtime.)

• I spend a lot of time thinking about:

It will be easier to list the things I don’t think about.

Politics.

I don’t think about that.

That’s it.

The only thing.

• On a typical Friday night I am:

Getting rid of the evidence from my typical Thursday night. (lube on my mouse)

• Most private thing i’m willing to admit is:

I am scared of you.

• You should contact me if:

you are amused, offended, aroused, mildly intoxicated, wear unusual underpants, want a great story to tell your roommate, want a great story to tell our grandkids, want to see if it’s really THAT BIG, think I’m a jerk, know who I am, want to bang me, have a roommate who might want to bang me, are already in love with me, or play the tuba.

In summary, I’d love to chat with all of you… and see you all naked.