How to Talk To a Lady

These are actual answers on my OKCupid dating profile intertwined with text messages from my two ex-wives. Frustrated at the feminine cynicism within the women before and behind, I started to get real. Then I started to finally get laid. An ongoing and very true story.

Crazy Bitch Statistics and You

Posted 3 months ago
Statistics now show that the ladies love statistics so I thought about putting that up on my profile. Doesn’t seem to be favorable data for my cause but ponder it this way: What if the sex is really that good? You could check that out! No one ever went crazy after a couple of dates, well not permanently at least. It would be worth it, let me tell you.

Got some new stats for you though, my lifetime averages been changing dramatically lately. My conversion average has never been better though I could use a little bump in slugging percentage, if you know what I mean (nobody knows what that means). So lets get started with the breaking news:

100% of the people that have married me are legitimately insane.

BAM! Wow. A perfect score.

I wanted to say certified, but #2 ain’t quite at the bottom yet. Making steady progress, has more ~~enablers~~ than ever and they have me fully boxed out. Oops, I meant friends there. She has a lot of nice friends.

Now while it is true that neither wife had ANY sign or symptom of any illness or trouble before they met me, I am almost sure I was not the reason or cause of said insanity.

You could also say: 100% of the women that divorced me went insane. But clearly the wanting to leave me in the first place in a sign of a preexisting condition.

I have stats:

50% of the judges in 100% of the divorce cases deemed my 33.33% free of blame and free these crazy bitches.

Nope, this is not sounding better….

Oh, how about this one:

100% of the women who have ever actually loved me are all named after the biggest 80’s Prince hit that few still know wasn’t actually a Prince song.

Seriously, what the fuck is up with my life? Hell hath NO FURY like crazy bitches.

I know why. Stay tuned for revelations.
News Update: Exes not Texting

Posted 3 months ago
Gonna have to reinvent the texts-with-exes portion of the site. Their texts are NOT funny anymore, not funny at all.

Worry not, I live like today is my last day on earth… and I am on fire… and PCP.

New ideas come all the time, as do the new ladies.

IN OTHER NEWS

Career Stat Update: 100% of the people that have married me have gone insane.

more on career stats coming soon…